Hello, I'm Katie Couric and welcome to Empty Reflections. I am pleased to have with us 'The Commentator'. Hello.
Katie: Hello. It says here you are a blogger?
TC: Yes. Yes, a blogger and a jogger. I'm a midnight tokerŠ.
Katie: Hey, that rhymed!
TC: Yes. Yes, it did. Would Katie like to bite my batie and be my matie?
Katie: There you go again!
TC (smirks to the camera)
Katie: You're a blogger running for office now?
TC: I'm running? Where? I thought I was sitting. Hello, can someone help me here!
TC: You need some saliva?
Katie: "I'm fine. Thank you."
TC: Suit yourself, Katie. It's carbonated."
Katie: What a sense of humour! Where was I? Yes, so you are sitting for office.
TC: Cute. I am here to save the world.
Katie: From what?
Katie: Norwegians? Aren¹t they from Norwaygia?
TC: Actually, they are from Norway and they are evil. Pure evil. We have to stop them.
Katie: From doing what?
TC: You'll see. Stop watching your own newscast. You're so blinded from the truth.
Katie: Maybe I should watch another network?
TC: Whatever. It's quite clear we need a man who knows what it means to sweep the floors. A man who knows how to put people back to work; A man who knows how to be tough on crime;A man who knows how to fight inflation. A manŠ
Katie: Fight inflation?
TC: Yeah, you know, like fisticuffs.
Katie: What is inflation?
TC: Inflation is the personal process in economics and politics where a man pumps air into prices and ideas. Or put another way, too many men chasing to few whores. It depends.
Katie: Wow! I never heard someone put it quite that way.
TC: Anyway, they need a man who knows how to put terror back in the terrorist; A man who will be tough on gay happiness and smokers; A man who understands that one man's immoral ways is another man's morality. In a nutshell, we need a man who can deliver everything and nothing and still be able to deliver. Why? Because I take a stand. I make decisions based on what the images tell me. I deliver like the mailman delivers the mail.
Katie: The Merlin Poll suggest that you are not one of the more popular blogs. How do you feel about this?
TC: Ah, Merlin that rascal. Best alchemist around . Always up to some Medieval trick.
Katie: You know Merlin?
TC: Sure, he and I go back a long, long way.
Katie: That's impressive. What are your thinkings about global warming?
TC: You see. It's not really global warming. More like the warming of the globe. It's funny. The other day I took a thermometer and stuck it outside and it read 15 degrees! My wife and I had a laugh over that while waiting in line to buy some mustard.
Katie (turns serious and looks at TC): Foreign Policy.
TC: What about it?
Katie: Any thoughts.
TC: The very idea of foreigners being a part of our policies sickens me. It's outsourcing of the worst kind.
Katie: Economanically, gross exports are down. How do you plan to curtail this?
TC: By making it less gross. By repackaging it. Gosh darn it, people will buy Canadian again!
TC: You know, Katie. The other day a kid, oh I'd say no bigger than you, came up to me and tugged my shirt. He said "Mister" and I said "What is it, son?" "How are we going to bring the unemployment rate down from 5% to 4.9%?" I looked at him straight in the eye and told him son, "It's all a matter of confidence." It really is about confidence. If you have confidence you can do anything. Then I told him to go do his part.
Katie: Remarkable. I was telling my kids that this morning over breakfast. It has been reported that you love sports.
TC: And women. (winks)
Katie (coyly shifts legs): Where do you stand on salary caps?
TC: Well, as you may or may not know but most likely don't know. I'm a small 'L' libertarian. I'm not really for forcing people to wear caps while they work. We are, after all, not communists. Nor do I stand in any particular spot. My agent tells me to dance.
Katie: If Saddam were here what would you say to him?
TC: I'd say, "I forgive you."
Katie: Kind Christian words. If a person close to you crossed the street while jaywalking and was killed by a car, how would you feel?
TC: It would destroy me. Then I would get tough on jaywalkers and ban walking. I would also revoke driving permits for people over 65.
Katie:You've been called a danger to the establishment. You've also been accused of being a stooge for the government. Lobbyists assert you threaten democracy. Grocer's allege that you are sabotaging their sugar sales. You can't seem to please anyone.
TC: That's what my momma, one of them anyway, always told me. She said, I think it was the blonde one with giant tits, "TC are you like fucking crazy or something? Stop reading and come and help your daddy with his gout!"
Katie: Michael Moore in particular called you 'The CommentScourge.' He claims you will kill more people than the Boobonic PlaŠ.Plack? What's this word? I can't read this!"
TC: Here, let me. Oh, that's Bubonic Plague. Pronounced play-gue not plack.
Katie: Thank you. Who would have thought being a fabricated star would be so serious?
TC: Mike is so full of shit he must wear Huggies.
Katie: Who is your hero?
TC: TC from Magnum.
Katie: Strange choice.
TC: Says you.
Katie: Anybody else?
TC: I kinda like Gandalf. He's the Merlin of the 21st century.
Katie: Favortie color?
TC: I like all the colours and races of the world.
Katie: If you could be anyone who would you be?
TC: Krusty the Klown from The Simpsons.
Katie: Do you masturbate?
TC: You bet.
Katie: Do you do any impersonations?
TC: I do a great imitation of a crippled, black Asian woman with crooked English teeth and bad breath in a wheel chair.
Katie: You have to show me that one day!
Katie: How do you feel about losing your left eye?
Katie: Sorry. Wrong index card. How do you feel about sleeping with over priced anchorpeople? Ooops. Did I just say that? Whew! Sorry. Scratch that! Where was I?
TC: I think you were at the part where you ask me to turn you over like a cheap, dripping pancake. I'm also known as The Cum-in-tator.
Katie: You know. You're very rude! This interview is over.
TC: Wha? What did I say?
Katie: You've been watching Empty Reflections with I'm Katie Couric. Thank you and good night wherever you may be. Always remember, do you know where you're going?