Get to Know The Commentator: An Interview with Oprah

The following is a transcript illegally obtained from Harpo Productions. Thanks Jeebies.

Oprah: He's the latest sensation from the blogging world and we have him all to ourselves for the next hour!

Uncontrollable screams.

Oprah: Oooo, you hot.

Looks at crowd. Women need to be subdued.

Oprah: Welcome The Commentator. How did you do it?

The Commentator: Well, before I answer that I just want to thank you for having me on. To show my humble gratitude please accept this black rose.

Oprah smiles. There's a sparkle.

Oprah: You once called me Oprak once. Why?

The Commentator: Because you remind me of Deepak Chopra. You are a spiritual guide for so many rudderless women.

Laughs.

Oprah: Are you always this charming?

The Commentator: I'm all about Baldossare Castiglione.

Oprah: He was?

TC: The quintessential Renaissance Man who wrote the book on what constitutes proper etiquette and class.

Oprah: Well, you're doing fine let me tell you.

TC: I gotta lick you.

Oprah becomes demure

Oprah: Your audience has grown from 5 per day to 15. How did you triple your fan base?

TC: People like shit. So I give 'em all the shit they can eat.

Oprah: Do you have a philosophy?

TC: It's a bubble gum world. I govern myself along those lines. I try to write stuff that is less short-term in spirit. In a way, I also let Bacon's Novum Organum guide my principles. I try to avoid gossip and other topics that in the end are meaningless.

Oprah: How did you get into this?

TC: Well, after showing up to work dressed like a whore, my boss decided he had enough of me. On my ass, I decided to write on a blog. Next thing I know, I'm king of the ant hill.

Oprah: Ever watch my show?

TC: Nah, it sucks.

Oprah whispers: I know. Help.

Oprah: How do you determine what you're going to write about?

TC: I let my souls - I have more than one - and artistic spirit guide me. For instance, one day I feel more political than others. So, it's not uncommon to come to my blog one week and think I'm a political commentator. Other weeks I'm more fiction. I touch it all. History, sports, music, satire. I also have a strong Canadian theme - I was born in Canada - and I seek to educate my American audience about this country. I'm a regular fucking jitterbug Juvenal.

Oprah: Like a kid?

TC: No, the Roman satirist jackass.

Oprah: What do you hope to accomplish?

TC: As soon as this line of questioning ends, I'll probably go stab myself in the chest a few times. After that, I just hope I can offer something. I want to be the Bruce Springsteen of writing.

Oprah: Springsteen? How do you mean?

TC: What Bruce did for rock was bring it back to its roots. I want to do the same for writing. Bring a sense of purpose and art back to it.

Oprah getting hot. One audience member faints.

Oprah: I wish we had more time. I hope you can come back real soon.

TC: For you?.....any....thing.

Cut

TC to Oprah quietly: You and me...let's go.

Oprah: Harry, hold all my calls. I'm going to show Dr. TC the sights.