The following is a transcript illegally obtained from Harpo Productions. Thanks Jeebies.
Oprah: He's the latest sensation from the blogging world and we have him all to ourselves for the next hour!
Oprah: Oooo, you hot.
Looks at crowd. Women need to be subdued.
Oprah: Welcome The Commentator. How did you do it?
The Commentator: Well, before I answer that I just want to thank you for having me on. To show my humble gratitude please accept this black rose.
Oprah smiles. There's a sparkle.
Oprah: You once called me Oprak once. Why?
The Commentator: Because you remind me of Deepak Chopra. You are a spiritual guide for so many rudderless women.
Oprah: Are you always this charming?
The Commentator: I'm all about Baldossare Castiglione.
Oprah: He was?
TC: The quintessential Renaissance Man who wrote the book on what constitutes proper etiquette and class.
Oprah: Well, you're doing fine let me tell you.
TC: I gotta lick you.
Oprah becomes demure
Oprah: Your audience has grown from 5 per day to 15. How did you triple your fan base?
TC: People like shit. So I give 'em all the shit they can eat.
Oprah: Do you have a philosophy?
TC: It's a bubble gum world. I govern myself along those lines. I try to write stuff that is less short-term in spirit. In a way, I also let Bacon's Novum Organum guide my principles. I try to avoid gossip and other topics that in the end are meaningless.
Oprah: How did you get into this?
TC: Well, after showing up to work dressed like a whore, my boss decided he had enough of me. On my ass, I decided to write on a blog. Next thing I know, I'm king of the ant hill.
Oprah: Ever watch my show?
TC: Nah, it sucks.
Oprah whispers: I know. Help.
Oprah: How do you determine what you're going to write about?
TC: I let my souls - I have more than one - and artistic spirit guide me. For instance, one day I feel more political than others. So, it's not uncommon to come to my blog one week and think I'm a political commentator. Other weeks I'm more fiction. I touch it all. History, sports, music, satire. I also have a strong Canadian theme - I was born in Canada - and I seek to educate my American audience about this country. I'm a regular fucking jitterbug Juvenal.
Oprah: Like a kid?
TC: No, the Roman satirist jackass.
Oprah: What do you hope to accomplish?
TC: As soon as this line of questioning ends, I'll probably go stab myself in the chest a few times. After that, I just hope I can offer something. I want to be the Bruce Springsteen of writing.
Oprah: Springsteen? How do you mean?
TC: What Bruce did for rock was bring it back to its roots. I want to do the same for writing. Bring a sense of purpose and art back to it.
Oprah getting hot. One audience member faints.
Oprah: I wish we had more time. I hope you can come back real soon.
TC: For you?.....any....thing.
TC to Oprah quietly: You and me...let's go.
Oprah: Harry, hold all my calls. I'm going to show Dr. TC the sights.