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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Dancing to his Own Beat Meet Lazylegz A Man who's Anything but

From Exceptional Family Vol. 2 No. 2 Winter 2006

Feature Story by Alessandro Nicolo

If Luca Patuelli was supposed to let life pass him by, someone better clue him in, in a hurry. Born with a physical disability that could have negatively impacted his life, the 22-year-old international break-dance star instead chose to confront it head-on by developing the very appendages that might otherwise have been considered limitations.

Luca was diagnosed with Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita (AMC), a rare congenital disorder that is characterized by reduced mobility of many joints in the body including the arms and legs. While the cause of AMC is unknown, the disorder is neither genetic nor degenerative.

Fortunately for Luca, AMC affects the mobility in his legs exclusively. While he is able to walk with the aid of crutches, he dreams of a time when he will no longer need them. "In 1995, I vowed that one day I would walk without crutches," he says. "For now, I can't really walk without them. As for wheelchairs, I only use them after surgeries. I don't like getting pushed around ­ wheelchairs are not only physically uncomfortable, I also value my independence and being able to move around on my own."

Yet more than just "moving around" in the walking sense, Luca has carved a niche out of "moving around" as a world-renowned break-dancer , an activity he became interested in at the age of 15, after numerous surgeries relating to AMC left him unable to continue skateboarding. "A friend of mine who was a break-dancer introduced me to the art. I fell in love with it right away. I honed my skills by practicing during lunch at school and watching break-dancing videos."

Today, Luca, who goes by the stage name Lazylegz (loosely-based on a famous 80s break-dancer named Crazylegs), frequently competes in worldwide break-dance competitions as part of an eight-man Montreal dance group called Illmatic Styles. With the help of his crutches, he has been known to perform some pretty draw-dropping moves. "We've done pretty well," says Luca, who is the only member of the crew with a physical disability. "Illmatic Styles finished fourth at the World Finals in Los Angeles last summer."

A native Montrealer, Luca is in his third year in Marketing at Concordia University and hopes to incorporate his studies into a future break-dancing career. "I like to organize events. I recently assembled a Montreal group for a [break-dancing] competition in Chicago, where we finished in the top eight. I enjoy dealing with event sponsors and it's a dream of mine to make a name for myself in the break-dancing world," says Luca.

If a recent appearance on NBC¹s Today Show were any indication, it would appear that Luca¹s dream has already become a reality. "I put out a video of my performance on YouTube and people [in the media] noticed it. That¹s how I was discovered. Besides NBC, a documentary crew from South Korea came to Montreal last February and followed me around for two days. They filmed me working-out and dancing and interviewed my friends and family. It aired in South Korea. It was funny because I didn't understand anything they said about me on the show!" laughs Luca.

* One may indeed be surprised that break-dancing, which is a subset of hip-hop culture, remains a vibrant underground community. According to Luca, while the New York "Rock Steady Crew" popularized break-dancing in the late 70s and early 80s, it is still extremely popular in Europe, Asia and the U.S.

* A website where people post and watch original home-made videos.

Back home, the popular Much Music channel also recently featured Luca as part of their weeklong documentary series called ŒMusic is my Life¹. "Much Music followed me around at various events, including the World Battles in Los Angeles last summer. The cast met my family and it was pretty cool." Of all the shows that formed part of the ŒMusic is my Life¹ series, the one featuring Luca garnered the highest ratings of all - something he attributes to a couple of factors: "It helped that I had put my video out on the Internet so people recognized me and probably tuned in, including many of my friends. The editing process of the show was also eye-catching."

While Luca is certainly thrilled with the increased attention, he is quick to point out that success does not come without persistence and dedication. "Gaining recognition didn't come all that quickly," he said. "It's taken me six or seven years to reach the point where people are slowly beginning to notice me. Sometimes, [being famous] can be overwhelming. [The media] can be pretty demanding. Sometimes they want you to dance when you don't feel like it. But when you see the finished product it's all worth it. Ultimately, hard work does pay off. People need to be reminded that sometimes good things come to those who work with a sense of purpose."

And Luca can speak of this first hand. "My diagnosis could have been a let-down. But I didn't let it deter me," says Luca, who has undergone a total of 16 surgeries since he was eight months old. "Two of my operations were particularly painful and demanded long recuperation periods. I had a nine-hour-long scoliosis surgery when I was 13 and an Osteotomy at 15. Prior to the Osteotomy, I could not extend my leg more than 130 degrees because my tendons were too stiff. Following the surgery, I was in the hospital for two-and-a-half weeks and in a hip-to-toes cast for over two months with a long bar between my legs. Having so many surgeries can be a drag so I've had to view them as extended vacations."

Yet even in the most trying times, Luca recalls always being able to count on his family and friends for support. "I draw inspiration from so many people. My parents, Flavio and Laura, were always pretty open with me about everything, including my disability. They've always encouraged me to explore new things. My mother's sense of humor has always been a big help too. I remember after my Osteotomy, my friends wanted to take me out but it was cold outside and my mother was concerned about the fact that my toes were exposed from the cast. So she insisted I put gloves on my feet! It was pretty funny - she's always doing little things to make me laugh. As for my father, he once told me that Œa person¹s first failure is not to try.¹ I've always tried to live by these words."

Luca is also grateful for the bond he shares with his older brother and friends. "My brother Stefano and I share similar interests. When I first started dancing, my brother was a DJ and we would perform at events together. Our relationship grew stronger as a result. It's hard to put into words what he means to me; he's played such a vital role in helping me be the person I am today. Of course, my best friends Jed, Dan and Ryan have also played a huge part in my life. They¹ve always treated me as an equal. I forget I have crutches when I¹m around them. This may not sound like much but it is."

Reflecting on his experiences as a child, it may very well have been the network around him that contributed to Luca¹s overwhelmingly positive memories. "There was only one time when a kid called me 'handicapped' when I was five years old. I ran to my father and told him about it. He looked at me and said, ŒYou tell that kid that he is handicapped in the brain!¹ I learned then that if people want to be ignorant about [others with disabilities] that's their problem. It's a waste of time to worry about such things."

Eighteen years after the infamous "incident", Luca continues to take challenges related to his mobility in his stride. "Using elevators at Concordia University can be tough since they are always full of people. I normally try to avoid them. The subway too has had its moments. People are often unsure if they should give up their seats. I find it humorous because I can tell when they are unsure. I don't want them to give up their seat, necessarily - I'm usually only on for one or two stops - but I do look for the gesture. If it comes cool, if not, it's no big deal."

* Scoliosis is a lateral curvature of the spine and rotation of the vertebrae.
* An Osteotomy is a surgical operation whereby a bone is cut to shorten, lengthen, or change its alignment. The aim of Luca¹s Osteotomy was to enable his leg to fully extend.

Perhaps one of the best perks about being a star is Luca¹s increased opportunity to travel and meet new people who appreciate his skills. "I¹ve been to Italy, France and many North American cities including Los Angeles and Toronto numerous times. I love getting positive feedback. I've gotten emails and letters from all over, including Japan, Korea, Sweden, Italy, France and South America. My fan-base stems from all walks of life and consists of different ages. I like to keep in contact with people. Some turn into friendships," he adds.

According to Luca, Montreal is not as advanced in terms of its break-dance innovations as cities in Europe, Asia and the United States. "But we hope to change this by traveling more to see what's out there. We can then bring new ideas back and use them in our routine," says Luca. "Traveling helps to keep us on our toes. It's important in hip-hop culture to look fresh. You always have to stand out. For example, if you dance on a black floor you have to make sure you dress with colors that contrast with black. I usually wear baggy pants and bright colors," says Luca.

If dress is important, so is the need to have a signature move. "There's one move where I fly off my crutches and land on my hands in a "planch" position ­ that¹s where your legs and torso are parallel to the ground while you're in the air. From there I do all sorts of various moves. People seem to like that one a lot," he says with a grin.

While Luca has indeed met a number of short-term goals he wisely ponders his long-term objectives as well. "I want to be in a video game one day," he chuckles. "That would be cool." He pauses. "Seriously, I want to do some motivational speaking down the line. I've already given a few presentations in Montreal including one at Montreal¹s Mackay Centre School recently. I¹ve also spoken to kids at a high school in Texas and I enjoyed it a lot."

His message? "Adapt yourself to whatever life gives you - there's no time to sulk. Never give up. If you want something you have to go and get it. Anything is possible. I know it sounds like a cliché but it's the truth. I would also add don't make any excuses. Just go out and do what you love. It's all about chilling and having fun!"

As for his passion for break-dancing, Luca believes he still has between five and 10 "good years" left to continue pursuing his calling. As he explains, "you don't retire per se from dancing. There are a limited amount of kilometers a dancer¹s body can travel. With good training to maintain strength, you can dance for a long time," says Luca, whose exercise regimen includes swimming and weight training. "But if you run into some physical obstacles or injuries, they can easily prevent you from continuing to dance. Your body will tell you when it's the end of the line."

For now, Luca¹s body and mind appear to be in prime physical shape. "I¹ve strengthened my legs at least 20 to 40 percent and am inching towards my goal of walking everyday. I believe therefore I can," he says confidently.

Dealt a challenging condition at birth, Luca Lazylegz Patuelli has been defying the odds ever since - all while adding his own original "spin" on life.

* The Mackay Centre School is a school for children who are deaf and/or have other disabilities.

Canadian Influences in Early Hollywood

Ever pick up a dusty book or piece of antique that you thought to be
unimportant, only to discover its inherent value? That's how naughty
can be sometimes. There's never a dull moment when one rediscovers
pieces of
history. I can just imagine how Italian humanists felt just before they
nurtured the Renaissance in Europe.

Canadians are not generally regarded as a people attached to their
so the opportunity to dust off pieces of Canadian history is there for
us to
discover. Indeed, we have seen this with the Heritage Series vignettes
on television, highlighting Canadian historical achievements and

I recently stumbled upon one of those lost relics of Canadiana I never
existed; which surprised me since I do take an active interest in this
country's past. Reading about Canadian history has introduced me to the
innovative spirit of Canadians through the years. In the realm of
Canadians were rugged individualists who roamed the continent giving
Canadian imprints to the North American film experience.

What was supposed to be a night researching Buster Keaton led to the
discovery of several Canadian pioneers in early Hollywood. While going
through the list of Canadian names on various web sites dedicated to
silent film era, the one thing that caught my attention was how this
presence and influence seemed disproportionate to Canada's tiny
which grew from 7 million in 1910 to 10 million in 1930. It was like
discovering a long lost relative.

Some quotes from The Grove Book of Hollywood anthology edited by
Silvester helps to put things in historical perspective. Dancer and
choreographer Agnes DeMille (niece of Cecil B. DeMille) once said
was merely a country town, like many in the East, with palms instead of
maples and chestnuts. The hills, though steep, were plain colored. The
people were just ordinary." She even described how there were still
who, "kept largely to themselves."

British actress Constance Collier added "Hollywood was still a village,
farms that had not yet been built over, and the surly farmers were
at the advent of the picture folk." In a similar vain, screenwriter
Coffee wrote "In 1919 Hollywood was a village. Hollywood Boulevard
have been any Main Street in America."

With this, Hollywood was hardly a romantic and opulent place in its
Such was the character of Hollywood in its formative years. There were
agents and it was normal for employees to offer their insights to the
director. What Hollywood lacked in panache it made up in the family
surroundings it fostered. In many ways, this unassuming and humble
resonated well with a Canadian mindset.

And so it is with DeMille's ,Collier's and Coffee's Hollywood,
were poised to leave their mark; earn their stars they did.

Notable figures during this time included the tragic lives of Marie
and Florence Lawrence 'America's First Movie Star.' This period brought
Canada's only three female Academy Award Winners: Norma Shearer in 1930
Marie Dressler in 1931. Mary Pickford - 'arguably the most famous
person who
ever lived' - won this country's first award in 1929. A powerful figure
co-founder of United Artists, Pickford was known as 'America's

On the director's chair, Canadian influence was felt through the
director Mack Sennett, who introduced the 'Keystone Kops' to film
now regarded as an American institution. Sidney Olcott, among the first
great directors, was a founding member of what is known today as the
Director's Guild of America. In business, Jack Warner was the driving
behind his co-founding of Warner Brothers Studios. Other notable names
include Raymond Massey, Nell Shipman (The Girl From God's Country), Al
Christie and Fay Wray, famous for her role as the blonde captive in

With this list, it should not surprise anyone Canadians brought to
a distinctly Canadian flavor to film audiences everywhere. Ironically,
Hollywood is singled out by cultural protectionists for its threat to
Canadian identity, it is interesting to note that Canadians themselves
had a
role to play in this development. But that is another story altogether.

From the dusty streets of Hollywood Boulevard and Vine Streets in the
20th century, to the modern glitz of 21st century Hollywood, Canadians
been an integral part of the process every step of the way. Dusting can
be a
rewarding and therapeutic exercise.

Me, Harper and the Blue Sky

As I awoke this morning, I was greeted by a sky that had lowered slightly since the previous morning. The sooty atmosphere threatened to choke my senses before I could get to my espresso. In my inexplicable delirious state, I stumbled and clamored to the newspaper. There it was - a picture of Stephen Harper as a marionette being manipulated by George W. Bush!

The tanks were rolling in, a protective glass bubble sealed my area and little gnomes were giddily and fiendishly hopping down my street waving black flags with skulls and screaming "Beaver alienation is real!" Suddenly, my doorbell rings. A stunning woman with a lizard's tongue is holding a clipboard. She avoids eye contact and curtly blurts out with a deep autocratic voice; "We are rationing peanut butter. Sign." Nervously, I jot down my John Hancock. As I turned to close the door she added, "Oh, and if you are gay, watch out. We do not like happy people."

On a slightly more serious note, this is sadly how I distort my perception to entertain myself. Nonetheless, judging by some commentators and columnists in the media during the last election campaign, this is what was supposed to happen if Stephen Harper and the Conservatives dared to get themselves elected to power. Dared they did and poof! I got my first complimentary set of conservative vampire teeth in the mail!

Am I the only one who gets the feeling that North America is in need of a massive political realignment? Ever notice how distorted a bike's rim gets after hitting one of Montreal's famous potholes? That's contemporary North American politics; unusable, crooked and warped.

Leaders (especially in Quebec) claim to have the inside track on the'will of the people.' The problem is that I just placed a loonie in the 'will-o-meter' at Tim Horton's and got no response. Plato's philosopher king concept is in a coma for now.

One would have to wonder if the 'find your niche' mantra in business will ever apply to politics. Will North American politics ever become a niche human activity too?

They say we have choice in Canada. Assuming you consider the NDP a real choice. My sources tell me that they are about to change their motto to "Always the usherette but never the bridesmaid."

The NDP are like the Dr.Pepper of Canadian politics. Always trailing in market share to Coke or Pepsi.

Socrates once said to the effect that "there are no wrong opinions but some are closer to the truth."

If so, the Conservatives are closer to the truth and reality than anybody else. The Liberals still don't get it - you know, like the Democrats.

I have no idea how the Conservatives will perform. With a political landscape more fractured - heck, a fragmented cultural post modern landscape for that matter - then it has ever been, navigating through it with a minority government will test their skill and mettle.

Ah, but Harper apparently has that 'hidden agenda'. No one has ever actually seen this agenda but I hear it can found at Staples.

Mid-tier pondering notwithstanding (Canada's favorite anti-democratic word), is anyone paying close attention to what is going on? There is a growing list of young people who are responding to what Stephen Harper is saying.

Simple lost words and concepts like accountability and responsibility suddenly have been resuscitated like. Modern sophistry run amok is not resonating that much anymore.

Over the last ten years the Liberals ran Canada like a supply store making sure all the credits and debits balanced. No new products were introduced even when customers asked for them, lest they go into debt. What's more, they confused their clients when they brought in products they didn't really need or want.

Ironically, while they avoided bankruptcy financially, they became insolvent in many other areas of governance.

To be perfectly honest, I have grown tiresome of the cheesy clichés about imported ideals and notions of self-righteousness that Canadians have grown accustomed to.

The reality is that many thoughtful Canadians wonder if Canada will ever grow up. Will Canada ever be that scrappy middle power that punched above its weight ever again? Mediocrity always suited Canada just fine.

More interestingly, what will this or the next generations of Canadians expect of their political leaders? I have seen the future and they don't seem to care much. Indeed, some seem to have taken a different exit all together as they trail blaze through a murky post-boomer existence.

We want real debate and not of the CBC variety. Chop, chop.

Everyone has his or her own way of interpreting life. Me? I use a thin veil of thick imaginings to make sense of it all. It helps to put Harper's mandate all into hysterical perspective. Guess what? The sky remains blue.

Andy Kim Concert Review:

Andy Kim Hits all the Right Notes

I stumbled upon Andy Kim's web site a while ago and have come to appreciate a forgotten gem in Canadian rock. About a month ago, I even took in one
of his concerts.

The one thing that struck me during Andy Kim's Christmas Special, which took place at the Mod Club Theatre in Toronto on Friday, December 2nd, 2005, was the sheer diversity of the guests who took part. And not just in style, but in age as well. Is this a renaissance of sorts for Andy Kim? You bet it is.

Let me begin with a refresher in the school of Andy Kim. At the tender age of 16, with nothing but desire and raw talent in his pockets, Kim left his native Montreal for New York City in the late 60s in search of stardom. Many Canadians found themselves in the same predicament as Kim, as there was no Canadian music industry to speak of. In this light, Andy Kim is a true Canadian rock trailblazer.

Along with Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, The Guess Who and The Band, Andy Kim was part of a small but dynamic Canadian contingent that found fame in the United States. All have left an undeniable mark on the rock' n roll landscape. Not bad for Crazy Canucks, eh?

With 30 million records sold, countless tours in the United States and a rock anthem under his belt - "Sugar, Sugar" was recently inducted into the Rock'n Roll Hall of Fame - Andy Kim has returned.

While Toronto and New York have welcomed him back, his native Montreal has ironically remained cool to his comeback. Far from keeping Andy Kim down, he will force people to notice him as he did when Jeff Barry discovered in him over 35 years ago.

This brings us back to the concert. In a sleek black suit, Kim kicked off the evening with a rousing rendition of "Rock me Gently" - a song that brought him a Juno Award in 1974. From that point forward, the tone and mood of the night were set. If there were any among the 550 plus people in attendance who were skeptical, he quickly made them a believer.

This set the stage for an impressive list of Canadian artists to showcase their music. The group included Esthero, Hayden Neale of Jacksoul, Shaye, The Hidden Cameras, Andy Stochansky, Danny Michel, Blair Packham and Jully Black.

Ron Sexsmith who performed and co-wrote "What Ever Happened to Christmas" alongside Kim also treated fans to a special guest appearance.

There was nothing formulaic to the evening. This much was clear as musicians moved on and off the stage with a flair of what I would call slight unprepared coolness. Whatever it was, when the music started, each of them brought with them a unique element to the concert. It was a magical night that reminded us how Canadian music continues to thrive and evolve.

Above all, for 2 1/2 hours, many of Canada's musicians, who were barely in existence when Andy Kim began writing music, had a chance to perform with a rock legend. It had to be gratifying for Andy Kim - who influenced so many musicians - as he watched people of another generation connect to his music. Not only that, all are self-professed fans.

Of course, all good things must come to an end, and what better way to end the night than with "Sugar, Sugar?" With everyone on stage performing it in a jam session, it was reminiscent of The Band's Last Waltz or whenever great musicians congregate to perform a colleague's song. It was an awesome spectacle that was free of any tackiness that can dangerously make such things ghastly to watch.

As I listened, I observed a young punker pass by and look at the stage. She turned and walked away, though not before giving her opinion to no one in particular, 'This is so cool.' I thought two things to myself after hearing this. This is exactly how Tony Bennett revived his career when he connected to a crowd outside his genre. Indeed, Andy Kim had the aura of a rock'n roll crooner.

The second thing that came to mind, and probably more important in the larger scheme of things, is that Andy Kim belonged. He did not seem displaced artistically or technically with this group of outstanding musicians. This, in my mind, is the greatest accomplishment of the night. Well, that and the fact that proceeds went to charity.

"Sugar, Sugar" was the perfect climax for an excellent show. Or was it? Not wanting to call it a night, the performers debated with which song they should continue? They settled on "Rock me Gently", the song that began the whole affair.

This was, for those who pay attention to such things, symbolic of Andy Kim's career, which has come full circle as he connected with a whole new generation of musicians. If anything, he can watch with pride the vibrancy and brilliance of Canadian music he helped spawn.

Anyhow, check out his site - which includes his personal diary - and you may even be moved to purchase some of his music. His impressive latest EP 'I Forgot to Mention' includes contribution from Ed Robertson of the Barenaked Ladies, Timothy B. Schmidt of The Eagles and Kenny Aronoff among others.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Katie Couric interviews The Commentator!

Hello, I'm Katie Couric and welcome to Empty Reflections. I am pleased to have with us 'The Commentator'. Hello.

TC: Hello.

Katie: Hello. It says here you are a blogger?

TC: Yes. Yes, a blogger and a jogger. I'm a midnight tokerŠ.

Katie: Hey, that rhymed!

TC: Yes. Yes, it did. Would Katie like to bite my batie and be my matie?

Katie: There you go again!

TC (smirks to the camera)

Katie: You're a blogger running for office now?

TC: I'm running? Where? I thought I was sitting. Hello, can someone help me here!

(Laughter ensues)

Katie (cough)

TC: You need some saliva?

Katie: "I'm fine. Thank you."

TC: Suit yourself, Katie. It's carbonated."

(More laughter)

Katie: What a sense of humour! Where was I? Yes, so you are sitting for office.

TC: Cute. I am here to save the world.

Katie: From what?

TC: Norwegians.

Katie: Norwegians? Aren¹t they from Norwaygia?

TC: Actually, they are from Norway and they are evil. Pure evil. We have to stop them.

Katie: From doing what?

TC: You'll see. Stop watching your own newscast. You're so blinded from the truth.

Katie: Maybe I should watch another network?

TC: Whatever. It's quite clear we need a man who knows what it means to sweep the floors. A man who knows how to put people back to work; A man who knows how to be tough on crime;A man who knows how to fight inflation. A manŠ

Katie: Fight inflation?

TC: Yeah, you know, like fisticuffs.

Katie: What is inflation?

TC: Inflation is the personal process in economics and politics where a man pumps air into prices and ideas. Or put another way, too many men chasing to few whores. It depends.

Katie: Wow! I never heard someone put it quite that way.

TC: Anyway, they need a man who knows how to put terror back in the terrorist; A man who will be tough on gay happiness and smokers; A man who understands that one man's immoral ways is another man's morality. In a nutshell, we need a man who can deliver everything and nothing and still be able to deliver. Why? Because I take a stand. I make decisions based on what the images tell me. I deliver like the mailman delivers the mail.

Katie: The Merlin Poll suggest that you are not one of the more popular blogs. How do you feel about this?

TC: Ah, Merlin that rascal. Best alchemist around . Always up to some Medieval trick.

Katie: You know Merlin?

TC: Sure, he and I go back a long, long way.

Katie: That's impressive. What are your thinkings about global warming?

TC: You see. It's not really global warming. More like the warming of the globe. It's funny. The other day I took a thermometer and stuck it outside and it read 15 degrees! My wife and I had a laugh over that while waiting in line to buy some mustard.

Katie: Fascinating.

Katie (turns serious and looks at TC): Foreign Policy.

TC: What about it?

Katie: Any thoughts.

TC: The very idea of foreigners being a part of our policies sickens me. It's outsourcing of the worst kind.

Katie: Economanically, gross exports are down. How do you plan to curtail this?

TC: By making it less gross. By repackaging it. Gosh darn it, people will buy Canadian again!

Katie: Canadian?

TC: Whatever.

Katie: Unemployment?

TC: You know, Katie. The other day a kid, oh I'd say no bigger than you, came up to me and tugged my shirt. He said "Mister" and I said "What is it, son?" "How are we going to bring the unemployment rate down from 5% to 4.9%?" I looked at him straight in the eye and told him son, "It's all a matter of confidence." It really is about confidence. If you have confidence you can do anything. Then I told him to go do his part.

Katie: Remarkable. I was telling my kids that this morning over breakfast. It has been reported that you love sports.

TC: And women. (winks)

Katie (coyly shifts legs): Where do you stand on salary caps?

TC: Well, as you may or may not know but most likely don't know. I'm a small 'L' libertarian. I'm not really for forcing people to wear caps while they work. We are, after all, not communists. Nor do I stand in any particular spot. My agent tells me to dance.

Katie: If Saddam were here what would you say to him?

TC: I'd say, "I forgive you."

Katie: Kind Christian words. If a person close to you crossed the street while jaywalking and was killed by a car, how would you feel?

TC: It would destroy me. Then I would get tough on jaywalkers and ban walking. I would also revoke driving permits for people over 65.

Katie:You've been called a danger to the establishment. You've also been accused of being a stooge for the government. Lobbyists assert you threaten democracy. Grocer's allege that you are sabotaging their sugar sales. You can't seem to please anyone.

TC: That's what my momma, one of them anyway, always told me. She said, I think it was the blonde one with giant tits, "TC are you like fucking crazy or something? Stop reading and come and help your daddy with his gout!"

Katie: Michael Moore in particular called you 'The CommentScourge.' He claims you will kill more people than the Boobonic PlaŠ.Plack? What's this word? I can't read this!"

TC: Here, let me. Oh, that's Bubonic Plague. Pronounced play-gue not plack.

Katie: Thank you. Who would have thought being a fabricated star would be so serious?

TC: Mike is so full of shit he must wear Huggies.

Katie: Who is your hero?

TC: TC from Magnum.

Katie: Strange choice.

TC: Says you.

Katie: Anybody else?

TC: I kinda like Gandalf. He's the Merlin of the 21st century.

Katie: Favortie color?

TC: I like all the colours and races of the world.

Katie: If you could be anyone who would you be?

TC: Krusty the Klown from The Simpsons.

Katie: Do you masturbate?

TC: You bet.

Katie: Do you do any impersonations?

TC: I do a great imitation of a crippled, black Asian woman with crooked English teeth and bad breath in a wheel chair.

Katie: You have to show me that one day!

Katie: How do you feel about losing your left eye?

TC: Huh?

Katie: Sorry. Wrong index card. How do you feel about sleeping with over priced anchorpeople? Ooops. Did I just say that? Whew! Sorry. Scratch that! Where was I?

TC: I think you were at the part where you ask me to turn you over like a cheap, dripping pancake. I'm also known as The Cum-in-tator.

Katie: You know. You're very rude! This interview is over.

TC: Wha? What did I say?

Katie: You've been watching Empty Reflections with I'm Katie Couric. Thank you and good night wherever you may be. Always remember, do you know where you're going?

Friday, January 06, 2006

Get to Know The Commentator: An Interview with Oprah

The following is a transcript illegally obtained from Harpo Productions. Thanks Jeebies.

Oprah: He's the latest sensation from the blogging world and we have him all to ourselves for the next hour!

Uncontrollable screams.

Oprah: Oooo, you hot.

Looks at crowd. Women need to be subdued.

Oprah: Welcome The Commentator. How did you do it?

The Commentator: Well, before I answer that I just want to thank you for having me on. To show my humble gratitude please accept this black rose.

Oprah smiles. There's a sparkle.

Oprah: You once called me Oprak once. Why?

The Commentator: Because you remind me of Deepak Chopra. You are a spiritual guide for so many rudderless women.


Oprah: Are you always this charming?

The Commentator: I'm all about Baldossare Castiglione.

Oprah: He was?

TC: The quintessential Renaissance Man who wrote the book on what constitutes proper etiquette and class.

Oprah: Well, you're doing fine let me tell you.

TC: I gotta lick you.

Oprah becomes demure

Oprah: Your audience has grown from 5 per day to 15. How did you triple your fan base?

TC: People like shit. So I give 'em all the shit they can eat.

Oprah: Do you have a philosophy?

TC: It's a bubble gum world. I govern myself along those lines. I try to write stuff that is less short-term in spirit. In a way, I also let Bacon's Novum Organum guide my principles. I try to avoid gossip and other topics that in the end are meaningless.

Oprah: How did you get into this?

TC: Well, after showing up to work dressed like a whore, my boss decided he had enough of me. On my ass, I decided to write on a blog. Next thing I know, I'm king of the ant hill.

Oprah: Ever watch my show?

TC: Nah, it sucks.

Oprah whispers: I know. Help.

Oprah: How do you determine what you're going to write about?

TC: I let my souls - I have more than one - and artistic spirit guide me. For instance, one day I feel more political than others. So, it's not uncommon to come to my blog one week and think I'm a political commentator. Other weeks I'm more fiction. I touch it all. History, sports, music, satire. I also have a strong Canadian theme - I was born in Canada - and I seek to educate my American audience about this country. I'm a regular fucking jitterbug Juvenal.

Oprah: Like a kid?

TC: No, the Roman satirist jackass.

Oprah: What do you hope to accomplish?

TC: As soon as this line of questioning ends, I'll probably go stab myself in the chest a few times. After that, I just hope I can offer something. I want to be the Bruce Springsteen of writing.

Oprah: Springsteen? How do you mean?

TC: What Bruce did for rock was bring it back to its roots. I want to do the same for writing. Bring a sense of purpose and art back to it.

Oprah getting hot. One audience member faints.

Oprah: I wish we had more time. I hope you can come back real soon.

TC: For you?.....any....thing.


TC to Oprah quietly: You and me...let's go.

Oprah: Harry, hold all my calls. I'm going to show Dr. TC the sights.